The Want

Sorry, I’m going to talk about money again.

I am  earning pretty good money now but still dissatisfied.  It’s funny how I’ve changed since I first started this blog in September of 2011.  I just wanted to make enough to survive back then.  I didn’t even care much when my van broke down.  I just rode my bike.

Part of the reason I didn’t want to make money is because I didn’t want to be part of the corrupt money system.  There are lots of websites that talk about how corrupt the world is so I’ll try not to bore you, at least this for this post.

Ideally, I would barter for the goods and services I need but there just isn’t a good system that I know of for that.  So I got free food for a while from churches and a soup kitchen but I found that when you are dependent on others for food, you really limit your choices.  For instance, I have some food allergies or sensitivities.  I shouldn’t drink milk or eat things made with wheat flour.  Sometimes that’s all that would be offered at the church for dinner.  I also really don’t like spicy food.  I’m not accustomed to it, I guess.  But sometimes that’s all that’s offered.  Not to mention, sometimes the food just tasted really bad.  Sometimes it was awesome and the soup kitchen was awesome but you just couldn’t rely on getting three healthy, tasty meals a day.  I’m not complaining.  It’s just that as an adult human being, I’m kind of responsible for making sure I eat to stay alive.

Getting free food messed with my head too.  Being around people who were trapped in their addictions, whether they be substance addictions or thinking stinking(like underearning even)is hard for me.  It’s depressing and I always wanted to help, but couldn’t of course.  I don’t know what kind of ego maniac I was to think I could when I was barely surviving myself!  Some kind of weird super-liberal fantasy or something I guess.

I tend to get involved with the people around me and I made a few friends among the homeless crowd.  Some are very very nice people but they are stuck.  If they were ok with their situation that would be fine, I could accept that but they never were.  With a couple of exceptions, they were miserable and felt terrible about their lives.  But they were stuck.

I saw a few instances where people had a pet that they had no one they trusted to care for so they felt they couldn’t work.  I have never understood that.  Well, I guess I can.  Pets can provide both an excuse not to face fears and go to work and pets provide comfort and don’t require a person to work on their personality flaws and learn to get along with humans.  Harsh?  No just real.

And some people are ok with making due with what others provide.  Maybe they are more advanced than me in that way…no, because if they were they’d be happier.

Anyway, corrupt money system or not, money is how we obtain goods and services in this world so I have to have it.  I want to be able to eat nice food, go visit family if they are sick or just for fun or go take a course to learn something new if I want.  Money is power.  And I guess I want that kind of power.

The hard part is keeping “the want” at the top of my mind.  At the end of the day, after working my day job for a few hours, I don’t feel like doing my side job learning and working.  I just want to read, eat and sleep.  I have trouble motivating myself.  I’m going to have to make a conscious effort to direct my thinking to the things I want in my life, so that I can work to have them.



About Maureen, Living in a Van

I'm a free-sleeper living in a van in the prettiest part of the world. I do this partly due to financial circumstances and partly because I love a good adventure.
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