Realizing that I have screwed up my bank account and accidentally written a bad check makes me feel bad. I have BIG dreams for the future but I’m still getting hung up on baby nonsense.
It would be so easy and comfortable to quit trying to improve. The problem is, when you quit trying, generally things don’t stay the same, they get worse. And I don’t want to go lower than I already am. What? Sleep outside? What next? Alcohol to get through the day? Will I have to start panhandling to get enough alcohol? Sure I’m thinking of the worst case scenario but it COULD happen. If I can’t keep my van going and keep working…I’m not going to make it. FACT.
I’m a little afraid that in refusing to work three jobs and living in my van so that I can work in a way that satisfies me that I may have dug myself into a hole that I can’t get out of. What if homelessness becomes less of a choice. What if I am never housed again? I want to be able to make the choice.
Thanks again for listening.