Some people think I’m this brave van-dweller with lots of freedom. In some ways it has been true. After raising a couple of children in expensive Southern California with a little child support and two to three jobs at a time, I needed a little breathing room where I didn’t have to worry about rent for a while. Living in my van seemed like a good way to get some space to think and heal from overwork.
BUT van living has also contributed to my desire to hide from people. I have always felt very different from the people around me. I did not want to conform (and often wouldn’t) but I felt the disapproval of those around me so I would hide the things I was or wasn’t doing so no one would “judge” me.
This tactic served me well for a time but as time went on I came to fear people a little too much and I didn’t share myself with the world very much. And I felt lonely.
So, I’m trying to get out more and allow myself to shine a little and receive the good things that I don’t get when I’m holed up in my cave.
And I am conforming a little. Mostly just in the way I look. Humans are the way they are. They feel unsafe around “different” people. I want people to feel comfortable with me and because of the kind of business I am in, I want them to feel they can trust me.
So, I’m going to wear makeup again… little things like that. I am also moderating what I talk about a little when am with people. I want to learn how to “small talk”. Most people don’t want to delve into sensitive topics with someone they just met. There’s time for that after you get to know and trust someone.
Maybe one day, I will brave working out at the gym again. THAT would really be someing.