Warning…this is just a ramble. I’m afraid I don’t have time to organize my thoughts but I want to check in.
Sometimes I accidentally turn on the computer camera and get a surprise glimpse of myself. I sure am getting older but I refuse to hate myself for it. It happens to everyone.
The wealthy people in my area spend lots of time and money trying to look young into their seventies and beyond. THEN when they are dying, they have “helpful” foreigners taking care of them, instead of their children and grandchildren. That is SO sad.
I’m not wealthy but I could make the same sort of mistakes. I have aging parents who live on the East Coast that could use my help…very soon. And I have children who live far away too. Yet, when I think of dropping my business and starting over somewhere else, I get a little stubborn. It’s taken so long to make decent money at what I do…building connections and learning. It would be hard to start over. There’s ego in it too. I feel my family (as much as I love them) looks down on me a little because I’ve rarely made much money. I don’t blame them for feeling that way. It’s the American way to make as much money as you can and to look askance at people who are “lazy” like me. So I don’t want to give up my little thing.
I have read online that some people think ALL homeless people are either addicted to something or mentally ill. It hurts to be misunderstood this way.
I HAVE met some nice people along the way. At the church where I sometimes get meals, there are people you can talk to and they LISTEN. I like that. They don’t offer advice either. I think they at least try to understand. I tell them I was tired and couldn’t work 2 or 3 jobs to stay housed and they seem to understand.
This last year I have been thinking a lot about moving back east for a while. I think I’m going to talk to my mother about it. I think I’m going to be honest and say, “look, I don’t want to come home because I need a place to stay, I’m coming home so I can be with you in your last days. So could you PLEASE go easy on me?” PLEASE don’t push me out the door to get some shit job right away?
The funny thing is, my parents could easily support me. They have a big house and they could feed me. But it would be the principal of the thing with them. They would hate seeing me “sitting around”during the day. And they would probably want me to get my own place. What’s the point of that when you have a 4 bedroom house? But it’s the principal of the thing right? I’m XX years old. I’m supposed to have my own place, even if I’m lonely and broke, broke, broke. AND I would get to see my “successful” schoolmates around town too. And be cold.
I think I’ve just talked myself out of living back East. Ha. Does anyone blame me?
So I will wait for my children to settle somewhere. And while I am waiting, I will train myself (or possibly take classes too) to do something that I can do from home. I think I have a couple of years to get ready. I’m excited to have that as a goal. The thing I want to do doesn’t generally pay a LOT…maybe $20 an hour, but it’s pretty fun.
As always I welcome your thoughts on my ramble.