Fears again

I have been putting off getting my van fixed for a long time.  I’ve got to get my CV joints fixed (replaced I guess) TODAY because the van is starting to pull to one side when I’m driving and that is SUPER scary. I don’t want to kill someone.

It’s going to cost $350 which I have.  I’ve had extra money for a while that my mom sent me for at least a month but I’m afraid to spend it.

I live in constant paralyzing fear.  I try to ignore it and call it other things but it’s still there.  For example, every job I’ve worked at, I’ve given 110%.  I’ve worked countless upaid hours because I was afraid of losing my job.  If anything, my stress level, because of trying to do everything perfectly probably made me very difficult to work with and I probably came close to being fired for THAT.

I’m so tired of being afraid.  I claim to be a Christian so where is my faith?

About Maureen, Living in a Van

I'm a free-sleeper living in a van in the prettiest part of the world. I do this partly due to financial circumstances and partly because I love a good adventure.
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9 Responses to Fears again

  1. Ryu says:

    Fear is a good thing! You will feel it as long as you live. However, I disagree with this sort of fear. The gods made men and women differently. I would much prefer if women would stay in the home.

    Yes, housework, children and having company over can be boring. It is much better than being in the workplace, where one may be disgarded with a whim and replaced very quickly. A mother and a wife cannot be so easily replaced.

  2. Tinycamper says:

    Maureen, I deal with that same paralyzing fear. And I’m a Christian, too. I guess deep down it’s not trusting that Jesus will really take care of us like He says He will.

    One quote that lets me know there are others who feel that way, too, and still manage to function is from Georgia O’Keefe. She wrote, “I have been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do.”

  3. Charlotte says:

    Faith in God is all about believing him, taking Him at his word. I know the fear you are suffering with, because I have to suffer it daily, too. But when I determined in my spirit to simply believe God when he states in the Holy Bible that as our Heavenly Father, he is obligated to care for us, I feel better. I have a book of God’s promises and read them over and over. I read the New Testament or listen to uplifting Christian shortwave radio shows like “Challenge” on SW channel 4840 at 8:00 PM.

    We always act on what we truly believe and you have simply got to truly believe that God, as your Heavenly Father, is going to care for you. You humble yourself before your Heavenly Father, repent of known sins, and pray in Jesus’ name for your needs to be met. Your Father knows your needs and wants before you ask, but talking to Him and expecting an answer from a loving God keeps your faith up and alive. It’s not easy, because the flesh and the world gets in the way, but you tell your fleshly fears to shut up! and that you firmly wait on God to care for you. I have to do that every day. Every day. Folly speaks to my heart and tries to get me to do foolish or sinful things, but I have to remember that Wisdom is my sister and not Folly. (Book of Proverbs)

    Do I still have fears? You bet. Fear and Folly try to induce me to follow their hellish path that always lead to no inner peace. But, the more I rely on my Heavenly Father to care for me through Jesus Christ and the more I listen to Wisdom in God’s word my faith grows and my fears no longer have a control of my decisions.

    “It’s all on you, God. You gave me faith enough to trust in your son Jesus Christ to be my personal Savior, so give me more faith in you.” I speak that often through out the day. It’s not a polite request, but a determined and sincere demand. I expect results of more faith in God, too. I read the Bible (Old Testament and New Testament) and pray to God to open my heart and mind and help me understand His words and obey what is commanded there in the pages.

    You were purchased by the blood of Jesus. That’s some serious currency, Maureen. Does God purchase with such a perfect thing as Jesus’ blood and walk away. Do you buy something very expensive and lay it on the sidewalk and walk away? Course not. God has not walked away. Look to him and not yourself for opportunities to advance. Then again, God might be trying to teach you something with your certain circumstances and until that lesson is learned, you stay where you are.

    God understands our childhood conditioning, but He doesn’t save us then leave us where we are. He nurtures us for an eternal life with him. Call out to Jesus for help. When you are scared and when you are lonely, call on Jesus. Expect results if you call out sincerely.

    I’ll pray for you, Maureen. I’ll pray that God brings someone in your life in a face to face meeting to help you understand that you must believe God and his words in the Bible and to stop listening to the fears and folly that so easily entangles our hearts. You are a work in progress.

    • Maureen says:

      Thanks Charlotte. I’m glad you are here! I’m sorry I haven’t been able to comment on your blog. I don’t seem to be able to sign up properly.

  4. Rod says:

    This society and culture will train you to be fearful.
    I was a bit lucky in that I came into this country when I was 23 and already an adult with a firm foundation on some things.

    One of the things I noticed is that people spend way too much time worrying about stuff… meanwhile, you live in the wealthiest country in the world. (Yes, it still is even today… the recession dipped us a bit, but it did also affect many others.)

    This culture we have here just indoctrinates you to be a worrywort about everything. And have you spend all your money on things like insurance for this, that and other things.

    But I always believed that if you truly, TRULY trusted in God to take care of you, you’d actually go without all these physical human assurances –in my eyes empty promises by a faceless corporation — and trust completely in Jesus.

    IT IS hard to do that. But once you truly, TRULY let go of a lot of the programming that society has drilled into you from a young age, you will find that you are truly free.

    After all, what good will it do if you worry?
    It’s not like something magical will happen and your situation gets better if you worry.
    So why the extra tension in your life, right?

    Why not just let go and let God?

    Hope that helps.

  5. Rod says:

    What I learned about living in a van is that I also have to change my mindset and really, my whole lifestyle when setting out to do this.

    Some people go live in vans but don’t remove their cultural and lifestyle mindset. It is the sick mindset that we are all just cogs in a machine, that our purpose is to earn just enough money to make rent for our landlord and maybe buy a loaf of bread and peanut butter for ourselves.
    It is a mindset that says you cannot achieve anything without relying on big corporate daddy to assure you everything is gonna be ok (banks, insurance companies, etc.)
    That also has to go.

    It IS scary to replace it, because it has been very comforting to us, but you have to realize it is also a crutch and a burden you don’t need.
    I’m not saying disconnect yourself from society. But there is a mountain of difference between living under their thumb and facing them on your own terms at your own leisure.
    What am I trying to say here…? Hope I am making sense.

    These types of people who we admire who live on the road are the types that cannot be controlled, coerced or cowed by corporations and special interests into doing their bidding.
    They face life and society on their own terms. And they do it fearlessly. It is the only way to truly have a free life.

    That fear has been put in you by false advertising, peer groups and societal pressures to conform.

    To be truly free is to remove all that and really trust in God and not in Mammon.

    • Maureen says:

      Ah so true although, I need money…if I can’t fix my van, I will be truly homeless. I fear that would be too hard on me.

  6. Charlotte says:

    No problem with the Facebook. It’s how the family keeps up with me anyway. Main reason why I went to Facebook in the first place. Plus EmeraldFox helps me to keep my head on straight about the dirty shenanigans of our current government officials in D.C.

    Fear is a choice. It’s something common to us weak humans. We lean on Jesus Christ as instructed and take Him at his word. If he promised to care for us and always intends for us to grow in Him, then he’ll make it happen.

    I pray often, all during the day. Pray for my dying mother, my gone missing cat named 100 miles an hour (yep, that’s her name…she’s very fast), and for some poor fellow with a SWAT team out in his front yard right now in a city near where I live. He is an alcoholic and lost his job today because of it. His wife left him recently and there is probably a money problem going on here, too. We people have lots of opportunities throughout the day to pray for others. Prayer, it works. You have to believe God will answer in His timing, too.

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