Today, you all get to be my pyschologists. I need to lie on the therapist couch (figuratively) and let you help me. I’m sure it will help just writing things out.
I felt HORRIBLE all morning. I didn’t drink any alcohol last night so I can’t blame it on that. (Sometimes I feel depressed the morning after having drinks) Maybe I don’t like weekends when things aren’t structured, I don’t know. Anyway, I was grouchy all morning, in a panic because I got side-tracked yesterday and got very little writing done AND also, feeling overwhelmed by all the things I want to do today. I have a hard time remembering all the stuff (and I have LISTS all over the place-yikes) I want to do and I also have a hard time prioritizing. What should I do first.
I need to figure this out or I will have to work for someone who will figure out my day for me. THAT’s not what I want. It’s not like I’m going to get a great, high paying job at this point.
ALSO, my confidence is ALREADY starting to flag. Pathetic. How long have I been on a roll? A month or so? And already I’m crapping out? Not acceptable. I had all these plans about how I was just going to DO IT, even if it’s risky and even if I make mistakes. And this morning I felt scared. I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t want to work really hard, then fail. It’s easier to just not try isn’t it? Then I can say, well I never wanted to be successful anyway. (Yeah right, who doesn’t want to be successful in some way or other?)
Well, I guess I know the answer to all this. Just do SOMETHING and it will probably (hopefully) spur me on to the next thing. I need to ignore the fear. It is natural but if I let it stop me I will be as cowardly as the drug addicts in the park lying under a tree. I’ve already decided that THAT is not the life for me. Too boring. SO, if I want to have stimulating work, and I don’t want to work for others, this is my only course. I really don’t have a choice. So here goes!