Today, you all get to be my pyschologists.  I need to lie on the therapist couch (figuratively) and let you help me.  I’m sure it will help just writing things out.

I felt HORRIBLE all morning.  I didn’t drink any alcohol last night so I can’t blame it on that.  (Sometimes I feel depressed the morning after having drinks)  Maybe I don’t like weekends when things aren’t structured, I don’t know.  Anyway, I was grouchy all morning, in a panic because I got side-tracked yesterday and got very little writing done AND also, feeling overwhelmed by all the things I want to do today.  I have a hard time remembering all the stuff (and I have LISTS all over the place-yikes) I want to do and I also have a hard time prioritizing.  What should I do first. 

I need to figure this out or I will have to work for someone who will figure out my day for me.  THAT’s not what I want.  It’s not like I’m going to get a great, high paying job at this point. 

ALSO,   my confidence is ALREADY starting to flag.  Pathetic.  How long have I been on a roll?  A month or so?  And already I’m crapping out?  Not acceptable.  I had all these plans about how I was just going to DO IT, even if it’s risky and even if I make mistakes.  And this morning I felt scared.  I don’t want to make mistakes.  I don’t want to work really hard, then fail.  It’s easier to just not try isn’t it?  Then I can say, well I never wanted to be successful anyway.  (Yeah right, who doesn’t want to be successful in some way or other?)

Well, I guess I know the answer to all this.  Just do SOMETHING and it will probably (hopefully) spur me on to the next thing.  I need to ignore the fear.  It is natural but if I let it stop me I will be as cowardly as the drug addicts in the park lying under a tree.  I’ve already decided that THAT is not the life for me.  Too boring.  SO, if I want to have stimulating work, and I don’t want to work for others, this is my only course.  I really don’t have a choice.  So here goes!


About Maureen, Living in a Van

I'm a free-sleeper living in a van in the prettiest part of the world. I do this partly due to financial circumstances and partly because I love a good adventure.
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3 Responses to Failure

  1. Ryu says:

    That’s the danger with self help gurus.

    They pump you up too much. Life isn’t like that. No one is “up” all the time. There’s an average we all hang around. I would say those guys are manic, jumping off the walls when on the tube, then way down off it.

    Cops experience. They are hypervigilant on the clock, then zombies off the clock. The body cannot withstand being 100% on all the time.

    People think they get something out of a talk because they feel a rush during the talk. In a way, it’s like the runners high runners get. Or, after a workout in the gym.

    Not every businessman needs to be some hard charging, badass, push it to the limit guy. That’s very draining. For some, it’s enough to just work for yourself.

    Don’t let them try to change you into something else. You did not drop out and become a free-sleeper, in order to work HARDER and LONGER for yourself. A slave is a slave, whether he’s on the plantation or if he’s polishing the silver.

    I would not become a businessman to become a big important person. I’d do it for the freedom. Make a little bit of money, do what I want. The job serving me, not me serving it.

    • Me says:

      “’d do it for the freedom. Make a little bit of money, do what I want. The job serving me, not me serving it.”

      Exactly my sentiments.

  2. Geezer says:

    Remember me ,Me?
    I talked once on the palliatave powers of sleeping on the floor with a bad back once.
    In anycase I’ve been researching Mobile Living arrangements for a bit wich is why I lucked onto your blog , fwiw , there are any number of ” make a living without a home ( brick and morter sort) ” stories , and/or guides.
    Personally , I find if you aren’t relaxed at what you’re doing , it’s twice as difficult.
    Especially if it’s a all or nothing proposition!
    I suppose I’m saying to reduce the “all or nothing” aspect by doing several ( if sporatic , not time dependant ) things that can earn money ( Like have several websites generating ad income ) , or that you can do in your day to day while traveling about mode ( some earn money from road side discards to be later sold at yardsales/fleamarkets ), others take jobs ( temp or otherwise ) that require little physical effort , that pay low , but CONSTANT ( security guard?).
    If all that any of these do is give you a place to park , that too is money in your pocket.
    And the variety (of work and people ) may help keep your interests and apirit up?!?!.

    Also fwiw , you have my email , feel free to write a rant or whatever if you need someone to direct at/to

    Like Arny Swartenager ” I’ll be back “

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