Confession time. I have addictions. The first step is admitting you have a problem right? Here they are: Coffee. The Internet. Restaurant Food. I will waste scads of time and money that I can’t afford on these three items. I may as well use drugs for all the damage this causes me. I suspect the “mean people” who look down on homeless people might be right, at least in my case. Maybe I really am lazy and shiftless, addicted, mentally ill.
It’s 9 am (although I will probably post this later). I’m sitting unwashed in a McDonalds, furiously trying to get an internet connection (it keeps dropping). I don’t have makeup on, so my high Irish color is visible. In other words, my face is pretty red. I probably look like an alcoholic. I just ate a 1010 calorie McDonald’s breakfast DELUXE with two cups of coffee. Later I will need more caffeine when this fix wears off. I discovered last night that I have blown through…. A LOT of extra money I had. This is the main reason I’m so mad at myself this morning.
I feel like a need a recovery program to learn how to live life like a normal person. I’m not very productive at all. I’m harming my body with bad food and too much caffeine. I’m not getting enough exercise.
Good news. My friend M says I can take a shower at her house while she’s at church. We already had plans to do something this afternoon. So I don’t have to go to the gym with all the functioning people in order to shower.
More on the plus side, I have been writing in this blog almost every day. I’ve been told all my life that I’m a good writer. I don’t quite believe it but maybe if I keep writing it will be true someday. I have a nice little business and a nice little job. The two together more or less cover my expenses.
I’m also glad I’m getting more honest in this blog. Maybe it will save my life or someone else’s. I guess it’s worth baring my soul this way even if the world knows I’m a train wreck. Oh well, it’s not like I’m using my real name or anything.
I have GOALS for God’s sake. Lots of them. But lately when I have money in my pocket or time on my hands I forget everything but the enjoyment…no…the satisfaction of the moment. I think a lot of it is loneliness. Even though I see people a lot, I just don’t like living alone and I use these crutches, the internet, food and caffeine, to get through it. Well, the caffeine is for waking up and staying awake…an actual physical addiction.
Thanks for reading my pathetic little communication today. Have any of you ever been in a slump or had bad habits that were bringing you down? If so, I’d love to hear how you got out of it or improved yourself.