Bad Mood

I gave up sugar a couple of days ago and now I hate everyone and want to die.

I’m sure it will be better in a couple of days. This too shall pass!

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Getting Free Food-and Getting Religion

The place where I often get food in the morning is a church.

When I don’t have any money I go there at 630 in the morning and have a cup or two of coffee in a little styrofoam cup. Then at 7 am, there’s music. It’s usually guitar music and it’s very good. Then around 715 the preaching starts.

I can tell, the preachers hate it when we interrupt their well-planned speeches. Sometimes that’s understandable.

Some of the interrupters are simply showing off their vast bible knowledge. There are numerous homeless guys around here that study the bible all day, every day. To me, that’s just another form of escape, like doing drugs. They get into some pretty obscure stuff. I don’t have time for it anymore. I don’t want to be free-sleeping forever.

But others, are asking genuine questions. Their souls are crying out for answers even if they are annoying sometimes. The bible appears to many of us to be very contradictory. We are trying to make sense of it.

I try to believe in the bible but it’s getting harder and harder for me.

I can’t remember if I told you guys this one but this one pastor shared a testimonial about how his life changed because he “accepted Jesus”. He mentioned too, that after making a trip on faith, without a dime to his name, god gave him a truck, a place to live and an income of 60 THOUSAND DOLLARS PER MONTH. Ummmmmm.

He says he loves us. I say, if he really loves the homeless, he should teach them how to make money so they won’t be homeless anymore.

What do you guys think?

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Annual Storage Unit Cleanup

About once a year I go into my storage unit and throw out a bunch of stuff. My dream is to have room in my storage to use it like a closet and allow my van to look like a normal car everyday without blankets, clothes, paperwork etc. in it. It hasn’t happened in the almost 4 years I’ve have been free-sleeping (AKA sleeping in my van) but I think this will be the year.

I SWORE when I started this job today that I’d be RUTHLESS and throw out almost everything. Naturally that didn’t happen. But I filled the van with stuff to throw away. It’s there now. The project for tonight is finding some dumpsters to throw the stuff in.

My storage unit is 5 ft by 5 ft by the way. Everything I own is either in there or in my van.

I’m at least halfway finished clearing it out. I have thrown away a TON of clothes that don’t fit me. I threw away a ton of canned food I was hoarding in case the apocalypse happened. I threw away three coolers…the kind you bring on a picnic to keep food cold.

It’s hard throwing these things away. What if I lose weight and need the clothes? I’m told that I should trust that I will have enough money in the future to buy whatever clothes I need. I guess the same goes for the apocalypse food. And well, I can’t for the life of me figure out why I bought not 1, not 2 but 3 coolers. It’s a mystery to me.

The very hardest is the books. Especially throwing away the ones that I haven’t read yet, the ones I should read so I can be a well rounded person. I threw a whole lotta books away today.

My friend reminded me that I could donate some of this stuff but I have this problem of running out of steam when I do this, just kind of collapsing after a couple of hours and if I make things to complicated, I’ll end up not finishing the job. Sooooo I guess I’ll have to hope the books, clothes etc., make their way into the right hands.

I found some “poetry” or maybe it’s prose I wrote a few years ago. It’s not that great but it means something to me. I am thinking about sharing it here. Maybe it will mean something to you, too.

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Feelings

This morning I woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I get more dissatisfied with van living everyday but I’m stuck with it a while longer. I talked with the woman running the non-profit last night. Things aren’t going as well as planned with her fundraising and it is going to take longer for me to work some regular hours for her and make some money. I spoke with her last night about my need to know what hours I would be working and when. It is hard for me to have those conversations with people. I hate talking about money but if I’m going to keep living in this area, I need to know.

It still seemed a little unclear at the end of the night but that’s kind of a good thing because now I have sent her an email to clarify and when she responds it will be in writing. I’m not trying to pin her down legally, just want something to refer back to and that I can refer HER back to.

She’s a nice enough person, but I gotta live.

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Power

The hardest part about living in my van is the stigma. If people suspect it, it’s bad. Especially if you work for them. I think I have been very blessed with my handful of clients. They appreciate my services and don’t ask questions. I don’t ask them about their lives either.

Still, the non-profit I will be working for is going to make me a lot more visible. I need to look normal…or what passes for normal in this society. I want to make money again. I still want to live a simple life but without money, I have no power.

Power? Yeah, power. Power to travel to visit my family. I have family all over the country that I never see because I’m tied to a business and because I can’t afford a better car…or plane tickets or anything. It STINKS.

And power to help others. I would like to be able to help a family that is struggling. Or a bunch of families that are struggling. Or set up a foundation that takes donations and helps a ton of people that need help. That’s power.

It’s funny that I want to help others when I’m so destitute myself huh? I don’t feel destitute though (most days). I have my brain and the internet, my family, friends and my van. Most importantly I have hope. A lot of people have lost hope and that makes me so sad.

Hope is powerful.

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Hair

While I was writing the last post, I started thinking about this guy I used to see at the storage units every day.  He would sit in his car and repeatedly run his hands through his hair.  I think I timed him once at an hour of it.  Drugs or ????

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Safe Places for Van Dwellers

I generally don’t do anything besides sleeping at my sleep spots.

So I also need safe places to get organized and clean out the van.  I mean safe from prying, judgmental eyes.  I have seen homeless people pull apart their vehicles, suitcases and backpacks in a very public way and it looks very bad.  I’m not sure if they just don’t care or if drugs/alcohol/insanity make them unaware of their surroundings.

Hey, I understand that it’s important to be organized so you can find things and of course, sometimes things spill and whatnot.

I suppose, the homeless people who will never work again just don’t care.  Why should they.  I wouldn’t.

Anyway, my favorite places to cleanup and organize my stuff are, the storage unit, a couple of the churches and, for smaller jobs (if I’ve been keeping things up pretty well and I just need to straighten up a bit-with the doors closed) at the park or the library.

I have tinting on my windows so if I don’t get out of the van, it is likely no one will see me in the daytime.  At night, shadows can be seen but I can’t see well enough to get organized at night anyway.

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Action Parters and Getting Things Done

I have been trying something new lately.  I have an action partner that I am checking in with three times a week.  The check in appointments happen at a specific time and are 15 minutes long.  Basically, we share what goals or tasks we need to complete over the next couple of days and we tell the other person how we did on the goals we shared on the last phone call.  It’s an accountability thing because you are going to feel a little bad if you have to say you didn’t reach your goal (or that you completely forgot about it!). Just talking about my goals helps me remember them so they may actually get done.

I also learned of another tool recently called body doubling.  It is where you and a friend who have trouble getting things done get together (preferably in person but phone is okay) and just be there for each other while you work for an hour or two.  I have done this informally with a friend before…now there’s a name for it.  I would like to try this again soon.

Seems like people are just lonely and need that social interaction while working.  It seems to help me.  Maybe it’s a woman thing?

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Freedom

Or free dumb.

This guy says very eloquently what I feel about freedom, or our actual lack of it.

 

 

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Changing Theme

I’m going to try to change the theme of this blog this weekend.  Hopefully I won’t mess up my blog but as it is, the blog isn’t mobile friendly so it’s like “non grata” as far as google is concerned so it’s hard for people to find me.

If I disappear, I hope you’ll hang in there because I will be back.  I think!

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